Single Moments

That’s all they are – just moments. Blips in time. They don’t have to culminate into an entire mindset if you know how to handle them. I’m getting better at it keeping these moments in perspective!

Hands down, the worst moment for me to be single in the wintertime is when I crawl into bed under the cold blankets. Ugh, I so dislike this time of day and season! The windows of my bedroom are drafty, and the midwestern winds howl right on in and put a chill over my covers. Brrr! I long to reach for a warm body lying next to me with the mutual understanding that our needs will be met with a warm embrace and hot kisses! But instead, my toes and heart grow numb from the isolation. Dramatic…I know!

But there is a flip side to this. The best moment for me to be single in the wintertime is just as poignant! It comes after I walk in the door after a long shift, kick off my shoes and peel off my scrubs. It’s when I put on those soft fleece pajamas and wool socks, and then my fuzzy robe over that! My hair comes down in messy waves as I stretch out on the sofa, prop up my feet, and hug my purring cat. No one is giving me “the look” for having an unsexy appearance, and nobody rolls their eyes if I need to shed a few tears about having a bad day. If I want a bowl of cereal for dinner, or decide it’s bedtime at 9 pm, it is my choice alone, with no feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

 

Single Moments of Being Single

There are moments of pure contentment in this girl’s single life, as well as moments of stabbing loneliness. But I have repeatedly decided that this is the life I choose over settling for anything less, just for the sake of having a partner.

Because the moments that make me smile greatly outweigh the moments that make me cry, and I know exactly what I could lose by settling!

Single ladies and men, if you haven’t experienced both the ups and downs of being alone AND being with someone who isn’t the right one, let me encourage you to focus on what you have right now more than what you want, when it comes to a future relationship. I think that’s the only way you can actually grow and then move forward. Appreciate where you are, make YOURSELF ready for the future you want, (what do YOU bring to the table?) and then live in peace knowing if you want it bad enough to work on yourself for it, everything else will work out the way it’s supposed to.

In the meantime, I’m buying an electric blanket!

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It’s What’s In The Bag!

This will be a short one.

I stopped by McDonalds for breakfast on my way to work this morning. In their efforts to make their customers happy, I’ve noticed that they not only display your order back on the screen, they also verbally repeat it at the first window when you pay, and then again at the second window when they hand you the food. This way, you can drive away with assurance that you have exactly what you ordered in the bag.

Well I learned firsthand this morning that they can say whatever I want to hear, but if it doesn’t match the actions of putting the correct food in the bag, it’s just empty words! After three layers of “assurance”, imagine my surprise when I opened an Egg McMuffin when I actually ordered a biscuit with egg and cheese.

Hang with me…I’m going somewhere…

I sit at work holding this sandwich and think – You can have someone say they’re your friend and they can look you in the eye with a joke and a smile every day, but if they sit and lie about you behind your back, they’re not really a friend.

Someone else may call themselves a Christian, but have a longtime habit of prejudice attitudes against other people, especially with different culture or skin pigmentation. That’s not like Jesus!

When this so-called friend and this so-called Christian tell me about who they are, I hear them, but in my mind I know they’re really just a crusty Egg McMuffin.

Words don’t matter – it’s what’s in the bag that counts!

It's What's In The Bag

Listening….

Recently I faced what could be a life-altering decision. Actually two. On paper, the choices that I should make were obvious. But I felt a tugging towards other options, and peace did not come to me until after I made my decisions accordingly.

You might call that instinct. Some believe that intuition can guide you through life, if you’re quietly in tune with that inner voice.

I haven’t always been quiet enough to hear those warnings inside, telling me what to do, what and who to avoid, and decisions I should and shouldn’t make. In fact, I kinda sucked at it most of my life!

So in my relatively recent quest to learn who I am at the core of my being, I started to recognize and listen to that “voice.” I attribute this to having gained more control over my emotions and giving less response to people and situations, in listening more than I talk, spending increased time in prayer and meditation, and in searching for guidance in Scripture. But mostly, just listening.

listening
Something I’ve learned – If you keep having the same quiet thought that something might not be right, or it feels like your soul gets pinched when you’re about to make a certain decision – that might actually be God talking to you! You should listen, even if it’s against what you want. Because one day when you look back, you’ll see He knew best!

Isaiah 55:8“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”

Jeremiah 1:5“Before I formed you in the belly, I knew you…”

Matthew 10:30“But the very hairs on your head are numbered.”

Isaiah 49:16“See, I have engraved your name on the palm of my hands.”

How awesome it is to know the Creator of the universe sees me, knows me, loves me, AND has my well-being at heart! He sees the whole spectrum of my life, from beginning to end, and knows what might seem okay to me now might not be good for me down the road.

So…instinct or God? I guess it’s hard to tell. As a believer who has lived in faith most of my life (but stepped out long enough to wreck my life), I lean towards trusting that my footsteps are ordered and He will guide me if I give Him my control of my heart and life…and if I listen!

It’s not easy though, and trusting in an unseen force is certainly against human nature. But through trial and error, I found that quiet trust in His guidance is the way to live in peace.

I can’t really explain why I made the decisions I did. But for once, I just know they were the right ones.

Not sure why I wrote this. Just thinking about how grateful I am for every door that’s been opened for me, AND for every closed one!

A Picture of Success

I’ve been reflecting today about how people measure success differently.

It seems like most folks consider rolling in money, fame and popularity as getting their piece of the pie.

I can definitely see where being financially blessed has it’s perks (duh). I realize you can get more done when you have the dough. But at this point, being on my own makes all of that seem like a lifeless goal. Yes, I realize friends and family would come out of the woodwork if I ever hit it big, but it wouldn’t count. If I’m out there ballin’ for overtime and bonus pay, but don’t have a soulmate to share it with, it doesn’t mean much.

A couple may have to shop at Aldi to save money. But if they can have intelligent conversation while curled up together at night, as they inspire one another to push themselves to be the best they can be, believing in one another and praying each other through hard times, to me they have already reached success!

My pastor said the other night, “You can be content without being satisfied.” I would consider it a dream come true to have a partner who, like me, was not satisfied until we reached our individual and shared goals, but who had peace and contentment along the way, and already felt successful while on the journey.

I aspire to be effective on my job, with my writing, and I most definitely have other personal goals and plans, but how interesting it would be to already feel successful in 2017 while I work toward these achievements!

To me, it’s about the journey as much as the destination. (Thank you, Aerosmith, for those words!) Although I know where my final destination is going to be, this picture would be my pinnacle of success along the way – me and the king of the castle, working for what’s ours and what God has for us!

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How do you define success for yourself? Are you there yet? What are you doing to reach it? If met with obstacles, are you willing to fight for it?

Here’s to success in 2017, whatever that may look like to you!

In Repair

Please, dear God, let 2017 be better than 2016!

It’s been a year of false starts and knock-downs, renewed hope and crushed desires, rekindled dreams and reality checks. But I guess even all of that is a huge improvement from previous years when I actually thought my life was over! Thank God I survived those years! (Can anyone give me a post-divorce, post-cancer or post-any-kind-of-trauma AMEN?)

Still, what is it about 2016 that makes me want to look twice before crossing over into 2017? I feel ready – repaired from past damage – but what if I’m not? It is taking so very long for me to arrive, but maybe this time I’ll be ok.

The reason I hesitate isn’t because of fear – I think it’s because I really want it to be right, and I really want to be ready. You see every time I step out too soon, it just doesn’t work. Each time I make the wrong choice, I fail miserably. I seriously don’t just stumble either – I fall flat on my face, skirt over my head, and roll right off the edge of a tall building and into oncoming traffic – it’s ugly! I’ve learned that timing is everything. And if I’m not careful my next move could set me back again.

So I’m hesitant. Am I ready to step out and make these decisions just yet? I don’t want to be wrong!

I remember one time when I left my car at the dealership for some work to be done. It was promised to me in two days, so when the time came I went to pick it up. When I saw it, the front tires were new, and when I started it I could tell immediately that the battery had been replaced. I thought I was good to go! But as soon as I put it in gear, the same grinding sound that I had before was still present, and boy, was I mad! I huffed into the office and crossly informed them that they had not fixed it. Upon investigating, it was discovered that miscommunication among the mechanics had caused them to miss the most crucial problem of all. I had assumed I was ready to drive away. But there was still an unresolved problem under the hood.

Nothing can defeat you more than when you believe you have fixed your issues and that you’re good to go, only to get neck-deep into your next “situation” and find out that you’re still drowning in the same problems you had before!

So as I come to the beginning of a new year, I’m shaky from past events, but I still have hope in the future. I’m focused on decisions I need to make, and I’m determined to take the steps towards personal goals and in becoming the person God planned.

The question is, even though I’m not who I used to be, am I repaired enough to be ready for what is to come?

Life After Disney

Life after Disney

I got this Disney Cruise Line promo in the mail today. It made me cry. Not because the idea of a magical getaway makes me sad – quite the contrary. It’s because I was transferring emotions from my life lately into this beautiful, picturesque Disney propaganda.

It seems like yesterday when I held my daughter up to see her favorite Disney characters in the parade on Main Street. It seems like last week when she carried her stuffed Simba in a baby blanket throughout the parks, or the day she was dressed as Princess Jasmine from head to toe.

But this week was quite the contrast. Two nights ago, I was awoken at 2:00 a.m. by her bursting through my front door, makeup and tears streaming down her face. She was shaking like a leaf when she told me about a strange girl who was obviously strung out on drugs, begging for help at her front door, following her into her house as my daughter tried to wake her roommate for help. “Mom, I didn’t know what to do! My phone was in the other room, she was following me through the house, and my roommate was drunk and wouldn’t wake up!” To make a long story short, she was very traumatized by the event, and has refused to go back to her house since, so she has been staying with me again.

I’m apparently not handling this stage of life very well, as I wiped away real tears tonight looking at this Disney promo. I want life to stop, or at least slow down. I want to see my daughter’s face light up with that precocious smile she had before she ate the proverbial apple and had her eyes opened to the pain and evil in life.

I want to stop being sick. I’m in my third month of virus after virus, and my immune system is shot. I want to love my job again – but burnout has hit me full force. I want to be with the people I love, and not miss them night after night.

And I really want to go on a Disney cruise.

Bathsheba’s Grief

Bathsheba's Grief

I’ve been thinking about the death of David and Bathsheba’s infant son, the sorrow that must have surrounded the house during that time, and how the Bible described their individual grieving.

As most probably know, David was the king of Israel with several wives and concubines, as was common in that day. Plus, he was king – he could do whatever he wanted. And what he wanted was a beautiful married woman, as he watched her bathe on her rooftop near the palace! The two spent some time hanging out, and she ended up pregnant. Her husband had been on the battlefield, and when David failed to set him up to come home and sleep with his wife and take credit for the pregnancy, he instead had him killed in battle. But David’s sins were found out, and the price was very costly.

We read about the baby boy being born so sick that, after his birth, David fasted and prayed, consulted with the elders, and lay on the ground covered in ashes. He wept and begged God to spare the life of his son. This went on for a week before the newborn died. Then David had what I think is a male response – instead of losing his mind over the news like everybody expected, the Bible says he “rose from the earth, washed and anointed himself, changed his apparel, came into the house of the Lord and worshipped.” And he ate.

As a woman, this response is difficult to understand because it seems to be reversed of what I, as a mother, would do. I don’t think I would be able to get up off the floor, let alone all the other things he accomplished right away after hearing the news of his son’s death! David was done grieving at this point, but Bathsheba was not.

I think this is because men are problem solvers. When a problem arose, such as his sick baby needing intervention, David kicked into gear and did everything he knew to do. Men solve problems, but women are nurturers! I imagine that Bathsheba tried to nurse the baby, rock him, and give him the customary care for that time. But when he died, she could no longer hold him to her chest and give him the milk, life or love she so desperately wanted to give.

When a loved one is taken from us, I think we as women sometimes even hold onto and nurture our grief when we can no longer nurture the loved one. Even in broken relationships, have you ever noticed how most men vs women move on after a breakup? Guys don’t cry for long, they find someone else, and they go on living. Meanwhile the woman is still calling up her girlfriends months later to rehash the relationship and her feelings, his picture still sits next to her bed, and she will go through prayer lines at church to be delivered from her grief, or pray to have their relationship restored! “But I still love him!” she exclaims. “Oh God, I miss him so bad it hurts!” Meanwhile, he has a new girlfriend…who is probably younger….

Ok, I know this doesn’t apply to every relationship, person, or situation, but in general, you get my point! I realize men grieve over loss too – just differently. And although we are wired differently, maybe the take-home-point of this could be that women should learn to move on with more grace and ease than we often do.

The Bible says that David went in to comfort Bathsheba in her grief. And he must’ve been effective, because the Bible says at that time she conceived another baby – Solomon. Comforting her not only distracted her from her grief, it separated her from it, and she was able to pick up and go on living as well.

When you grieve, what comforts you? Whether your pain be from the death of a loved one, a broken relationship, sickness, or whatever loss you find to be significant enough to cause your heart to ache, we all crave to be comforted. David comforted his wife, and his love helped heal her.

Sometimes when we hurt, we look for comfort in unhealthy ways – like alcohol, pain pills, smoking, overeating, gossip, being a hermit and shutting out the world, or in a multitude of other unhealthy habits and unproductive coping mechanisms. But those are mere distractions – not a source of true healing. Healthy comfort promotes healing, and with true healing comes freedom from all guilt, chaos, and confusion that our pain and loss often bring to us.

Are you holding onto something that you need to let go? Maybe you’re smiling over the pain, disaster, heartache, as we women often do, but you’re not truly free? I know – I’ve been bound by both grief and guilt, but I’m finding comfort in my faith, being in the presence of my God, and He is bringing amazing healing and freedom to my life! I still don’t understand the “why’s” in my past, but I have hope in tomorrow, and I believe He has a plan for my life, just as He did Bathsheba.

This woman, who had no doubt suffered from guilt and grief, went on to birth the next king of Israel! What do you hold inside of you that’s keeping you from your next level? The cognitive dissonance of grief can be deafening, confusing, and can steal what you are meant to do with your life. God is not the author of confusion – get away from it! If God can get you to stop grieving over your past, your loss, you could produce your own legacy in your next chapter!